So I gathered up some cohoneys this week. I told Chris that I wanted to take a break from trying to be his friend and focus on myself for a while to get my shit together and it was up to him to call or initiate conversation. I need this time to take care of myself because I’ve spent years trying to please everyone else and somehow forgot about myself. I need to take my time to be pissed off at him and I will need time for forgiveness. I need it because of the terms in which we broke up and then three months later when he started dating someone in MY dept that not only do I not trust, I just don’t like her. I just couldn’t see a reason to try to be friends with him now, I’m too angry. So while he “Lives his life” I’m pulling together mine after he destroyed mine. It makes things complicated because we have the same friends and I was looking forward to a friend’s show this Friday but she wants to go, so I can’t bring myself to go and see them together, it’s still too difficult. Second time in one week I wanted to punch him straight in the face.
I also just gathered myself together and decided to tell my supervisor of my plans to move to Austin. I’ve been thinking of moving for a while, but with my ex (whom I work with) dating someone I don’t like (also someone I work with, complicated right?) I can’t stand being here anymore, so I don’t see a point in delaying my departure anymore, I’m ready to move on with my life and hit that “restart” button. I put in my application for an apartment and sent out the application fee this morning, fingers crossed. I’m scared as hell to do this, new place, new people and about fifteen hundred miles away from anything familiar. It’s something I need to do though, I’ve been here far too long and it’s holding me back from being something amazing. I’m not sure I have a future in VA anymore. I mean don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my friends to death, but most of them support this and are happy for me which is great. I won’t be able to see my sweet little godson Jake grow up (we’re still hoping he walks before I leave, doubtful but I can still hope) but I’ve made Christina swear to send me updates and pictures. I feel it in my heart, this needs to be done.
Things at home are calm for now, I’m sure now that I’ve said this they will explode. My mom is hesitant to support my move but trying. I’m trying to be a little more understanding with her, after all, my dad and I have a crappy relationship I should try to have one that is somewhat workable.
I’m still talking to Sherry once a month which I need I think. She’s the first therapist I’ve talked to that actual helps me which makes me sad to lose her. She got me through the roughest part of my life thus far, I will be forever grateful.
Stress has manifested itself in a new way this year, stomach pain. I can’t eat unless I am in great spirits, so I haven’t been eating much. As of yesterday evening, I’ve lost 20lbs in 3 months. I like that I’ve lost the weight but I’m afraid that it will come right back when my spirits are back up to 100%. I’m trying to get on a better eating regimen so that doesn’t happen. As for stress, I’m taking Valerian (recommended by my great friend Gabby) to help smooth that over and get myself out with my great, awesome theatre buddies.
Theatre has also been a saving grace in the last month. I couldn’t believe I got the part to begin with but the friends and good times have really pulled me out of my funk and kept me out when I found out about Chris dating. The rehearsals are going great, I finally got into character within the last week and realized I’ve been missing it so much. The people are great and so understanding. I’ve got my core group there with Phil, Megan and Hannah, they pretty much rock.
As for the last few months, I’m not proud of how I’ve handled it but I feel like I’ve finally got myself together enough to be in this to help myself not fall back into old habits. I hope that eventually Chris and I could be friends, I feel it in my heart that we can be great friends and this isn’t something I should just throw away. I finally feel like I’m going to pull through this and be amazing, I also feel that one to the core so I am confident.
I decided with this along with my Mac I would document my journey over the next 2 months and beyond, it’s going to be a big one. Look out world!
